The holidays can be especially hard for people pleasers. Being around family, navigating parties, and work events, as well as the demands on your wallet and time – basically a storm of pressure and possible triggers for people who worry about how they will be received.
First off, what does it mean to be a people pleaser?
It can mean that you have a strong urge to be liked or to keep the peace, even if it means sacrificing your own needs to achieve that. People pleasers might feel like they can’t rock the boat, that their opinions and boundaries risk upsetting others, or they may worry that if people get too close to the ‘real them’, they won’t like what they see. All of this is so scary, and people pleasing seems like the solution, even though it can have huge costs to the person doing the pleasing.
Let’s cut through the clutter: for people pleasers, wanting to be liked is usually not about vanity or ego. After years of working with clients who engage in this behaviour, I’ve come to believe that people pleasing usually develops as a way to manage frightening or confusing reactions in others. The frequent volatility, withdrawal, disappointment or overwhelm of loved ones, or maybe it arose because setting boundaries or expressing anger/holding people accountable were not well received or easily tolerated.
The person who ends up people pleasing is often trying so hard to diffuse reactivity in others or to avoid rejection, mischaracterization, or being a burden. This is not fun!
So, what’s a people pleaser to do?
Recognizing this behaviour in yourself is a huge and very important step towards healing. Once we notice something without judging it, we’ve immediately become more self-aware and that’s a big deal. Staying curious about your own behaviour and beginning to make sense of it is the next step.
Therapy is great for supporting and expanding this process. Believe it or not, people pleasing behaviours are signs of resilience and adaptability! These strategies probably kept you safe and made things more predictable for you in times when you really needed that. But perhaps these behaviours are no longer as necessary in your current life as they were growing up, and you’re ready to start to heal these parts of you.
Please reach out to me for a free consultation
I have lots of experience working with clients who describe themselves as people pleasers, and I’d love to see if I can help you too!
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