In a previous post, we looked at what boundaries are.
Now, let's focus on how to identify your own boundaries.
Many people find it hard to say what their boundaries are. It's not because they don't have them, but perhaps speaking them in the past was not safe or well received. It might be difficult to connect with the emotions that signal a boundary. It might even feel scary or threatening to share boundaries.
If this has been true for you, therapy can help you to better understand why boundaries are difficult and what feels risky about setting boundaries with others..
If you'd like to take a more in-depth look at your experience of boundaries, please reach out for a free consultation.
Here's a high level look at how to begin to identify your own boundaries:
Learning to find and name your own boundaries is like any skill. It's something you might need some instruction on -- and practice with -- in order to become comfortable doing it regularly.
Step one: Your feelings are your compass. When something makes you feel uneasy, uncomfortable, taken advantage of, unseen, or if you sense that you may feel resentment, guilt or shame later, those are pretty good indicators that a boundary is involved.
Note: If these feelings are signalling danger, then getting help right away is always the priority.
Step two: Once you've noticed the feelings, it's time to try to name the boundary and reflect on what you truly need in the situation. In some cases it'll be really obvious, but if not, slow things down in your mind and try to pinpoint what's causing the feelings. Maybe someone asked you to do something, or an offensive comment was made. Zeroing in on the thing that happened before the feeling is where you'll find the boundary. What part bothers you the most?
If you aren't able to access your feelings but you sense that something uncomfortable is unfolding, try playing the tape forward in your mind to imagine how the situation might end up. Does it seem like it's healthy for you? Are you compromising too much to accommodate someone else? What would be the worst part of this situation for you?
Step three: Once you identify the boundary the next step is to figure out how to communicate your boundary. Sometimes power dynamics make it really hard, if not impossible, to do so. If that's the case, having a safe person to process the resulting feelings with can be really helpful.
If you do feel like you're ready to try communicating your boundaries, clear communication is the key. Adding a bit of empathy or reinforcing that your boundary isn't personal can help it go over better, but it's also okay to just state your boundary without any bells and whistles.
The scariest part of boundaries is usually the communication part. It can be so hard, and often it can feel like a lot is on the line. If you'd like support speaking your boundaries, please feel free to reach out for a free consultation.
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